Random Brain Sweepings

I know it's been a while...

2004-11-01T23:44:29Z

11/1/04

So much time has passed since I got to write that I don’t know where to start, so I’ll just pick up right here and now. I feel like I should start off with something of an apology for going so long without writing. Life has been hectic to say the least. I promised myself that I would try to write every day, and I feel like I’ve let myself down. But with so many changes it’s been hard, and that frustrates me because I’ve had little time to write. One major cause of that is work. It just has been getting in the way of things I hold dear more and more, and I need a change. I can’t live my life like I want with the job I’ve got right now. It’s holding me back, and that frustrates me to no end.

I moved to the new house Thursday. That brings a large array of emotions. All in all, it really isn’t bad. I think that the biggest problem I have with being in the new house is that my heart is somewhere else. It’s with Amy. That’s where my home is. That’s where I belong.

Brian helped with the move, and I think I owe him my first-born for it. We were the only two that could do any major lifting, and it hurt. A lot. Mom’s roll-top desk weighed at least 400 pounds if not more. The couch may have been heavier, but that God-forsaken desk was total hell. It was large, bulky, and generally unmovable. Right before we moved it, I pulled a pectoral muscle and thought my nipple would fall off. It was a few minutes of excruciating, nipple destroying pain. I think while we were moving the couch down some steps, Brian dropped it on his groin. But we got it all moved, thank goodness.

I spent the weekend with Amy. Yesterday we went to a Halloween party at the church she’s working at. It was pretty fun. Amy wore her traditional blue wig. I carved a pumpkin, something I haven’t done in a long time. And of course I ODed on candy. So much sugar in bloodstream… I’ve been really tied this weekend, too. I mean, I didn’t get a whole lot of sleep, but this is above and beyond that, along with an overall icky feeling in general.

Right now I’m sitting on the back porch writing, just like I used to do that year Dad died, before I got the job at the hobby shop. Even though I had no job, I could write as much as I wanted, and that was when I was truly at peace with myself. Right now I feel some of that inner peace, but I long for more. I pray that I’ll find it again.

From here I can see Rudy’s grave. It has a headstone Alex and Lonnie made.

So much has changed in the past month, and there is so much I hope will change…

GEEKUP:
Today I bought the Call of Cthulu book by Chaosium. I already own the D20 version, but I decided to pick up the original version of the game. I’m toying with the idea of running a Call of Cthulu game in a setting of my own design. I just wanted something non-D20 for a change. It should rock. I’m also trying to burn through the big wad of DVDs I’ve gotten in the past few weeks.

QUOTE:
“Nothing in my sack plays cards!”
-- Brian, in my last D&D game I ran.

My Birthday

2004-11-01T23:42:54Z

10/26/04

So, Friday was my birthday, and I had a four-day weekend, which I spent in Louisville with Amy. I geeked up a lot on DVDs and spent some nice relaxation time. I really needed it a lot, let me tell you. It had been nearly a month since I last saw Amy. I also spent way too much money, but I had a blast. Amy got me some horror double feature DVDs, coffee, yummy assorted candy and Japanese snacks, and little egg-shaped space creatures to go on my computer desk. I named one Ploogak, the Destroyer of Worlds.

Friday we ate sushi and shopped. I bought a metric crapload of DVDs. We went to a world market, and I got Weetabix! As far as I can tell, Weetabix is an English breakfast cereal that comes in these wheat biscuits you crumple up in milk. At least that’s what I think you do with the stuff. I know it’s not eaten plain because it tastes like a loofa sponge that way… I also finally hunted up a go board, which so totally roXXors! That night, Amy and I watched the original Nosferatu. The thing about the copy I got is that it didn’t have any music accompanying it. All I can figure out is that the company that released the DVD would’ve had to pay separate rights for the music, so they didn’t to keep the cost down.

Damn it all, I gotta get to bed… My stupid schedule is seriously screwing with my writing, I tell you. I don’t like it at all. It’s really frustrating not having time to write, daggone it.

*sigh*

I guess I’ll write more tomorrow…

Naked mole rats wearing tiny sombreros...

2004-10-19T01:43:05Z

10/17/04

My chaotic schedule this weekend has gotten in the way of writing. Friday I worked incharge until 10 pm. It was dull most of the day until 9:30 hit, then all hades broke loose for a solid half hour. I did more that half hour than the rest of the day combined. And periodically through the day computers would crash… Saturday I had to come into work at 8:15, meaning I got maybe six hours of sleep. Last night I went to the Official D&D Gameday after work and, even though I got in at a respectable time, this morning I woke up at a not-so-respectable 4:15. No es bueno!

After work today, Brian and I saw Team America: World Police. It was so wrong. Funny yes, but so incredibly wrong. The puppet sex scene was just not right by a long sight.

GEEKUP:
I’m skipping right to the geekup now because last night was one really big geekup, it really was. See, in celebration of the 30th anniversary of D&D, yesterday was Official Dungeons and Dragons Day. First of all, I didn’t think I was going to make it there, after committing and swearing to Paul that I would run it, because I started working a new job position at work. I was really bummed about the prospect of missing it, too. I asked Brian if he wanted to run the little mini adventure that was an introductory course to D&D. Once I realized I could make it, I ran off a copy of the adventure so I could run it or possibly run a second game. Well, we both ran one game each, and we talked Jonathan into running one game after a quick read over of the material.

It all went rather well, I’ll have to say. A few people in the first game I ran had some ill feelings towards some of the regulars in the gaming group, but all went well. We lit a spark for D&D in some people, and that really made it all worth while. And I got a free miniature, a free mechanical pencil, and FREE DICE! Oh yes, free dice are good!

I also came to realize that a) my campaign setting doesn’t suck and b) my gaming group is really great. While I was running the first introductory game, a guy approached me and asked if I could give him pointers on how to flesh out his character. I pointed to Brian, who was not busy at the time, and said he could help out since I was in the middle of a game. Now, I chose Brian for two reasons, and I feel that I should apologize to Brian now for costing him a piece of his sanity. Firstly, I knew a good story would come out of it, and I wasn’t wrong. Secondly, I figured it was our job to steer a gamer in the right direction. Sadly, there aren’t enough hours in the day.

Now, I knew something was wrong right off when I approached the table after the adventure was done. The guy was talking about how well he knew the rules and how he’d been playing D&D for four years. Now, his character was a 35-year-old female human wizard, and level 13 wizard, who was a “fire and ice mage specializing in divination spells.” That’s like saying “I’m a necromancer specializing in wind spells.” It’s a spork of the mage world—not quite useful as a fork (fire/ice spells) and marginally passable as a spoon (divination).

So then Brian asked this guy how many ranks he had in the Concentration skill (it’s a handy skill since it helps magic users keep focus during combat while casting spells). He didn’t know what the skill was. I asked him what feats he took with the character. He didn’t know much about feats and implied that they weren’t used much in game, which is funny since they’re kinda essential. And he hadn’t picked a familiar for his wizard. The DM of his little game he played in suggested he take a naked mole rat as a familiar. “You know, like in Kim Possible.” The words coming from the mouths of these gamers sounded increasingly like a group of 14-year-old girls at a sleepover delving into dice chucking. So the guy chose a naked mole rat as a familiar and gave the naked mole rat a tiny sombrero for no reason whatsoever, I kid you not.

The DM had no Monster Manual. There’s no reason the DM had no Monster Manual; he just didn’t. Apparently he occasionally borrowed a Monster Manual from one of the players and copied off what he needed. He also told us about a prestige class he came up with called the “magic swordsman.” To play the prestige class, you had to have a magic sword. And that was it. That name is just too cliched for my taste. I’m gonna create a prestige class called the “black knight,” see, and it’s brilliant because it’s a knight. In black armor.

I tell you… I count my lucky stars. I say little prayers of thanks that my players never try to attack the darkness with magic missiles…

QUOTE:
“Keep your penis and your money separate.”
--Brian, referring to Elton John’s bitterness due to his former manager and lover stealing most of his money

Too busy... Need sleepy

2004-10-19T01:41:27Z

10/15/04

Yeah, yeah, I know. I didn’t write yesterday. Well, I was extremely tired and opted for more sleep time last night. And sleep is good! See, last night was game night, and I ran my D&D game. Even though Dave didn’t get there until 7:30, we still got in three solid hours of geekitutde. Despite all the stabbing and maiming, none of the players died. Guess I’ll have t try harder next time..

But anywho, all kidding aside (mostly), tomorrow is World D&D Day to celebrate the 30th anniversary of the game. Brian and I are splitting into teams in case multiple people join in and we have to divide to keep the groups small. I’m pretty jazzed about it. I thought at first I wouldn’t be able to do it since I’m training for incharge at work, but fate has smiled down upon me.

Fall is here!

2004-10-14T01:44:23Z

10/13/04

Well, boys and girls, fall is finally upon us, and I couldn’t be happier about it. This is my kind of weather. Today it was cool outside and slightly drizzly, and the faint odor of damp leaves lingered in the air. I loved it.

Other than that, I can’t think of a lot to write about today. I took my mom out to eat for her birthday (it’s tomorrow). We ate Chinese food (good, frog-free Chinese food). And that’s it. Just a lazy day.

GEEKUP:
I’m prepping for my D&D game tomorrow! Whilst preparing for said game, I watched Pulp Fiction. I forgot what a great movie it was…

QUOTE:
I’m out of quotes. I’m dried up here. Anyone got any quotes to share?

USELESS FACT:
Aztecs considered hot chocolate to be an aphrodesiac.

Where do I go from here?

2004-10-13T01:14:07Z

10/12/04

The death of Rudy still brings a fresh pain, for he was definitely one of the family. I can still feel his soft fur as I used to pet him. His death has also come in a time in my life when I feel I am at a crossroads stuck in a rut, and his passing brought forth all the fears and sorrow and longings that have been welling up inside of me.

For one thing, work has really been beating me down. I feel stuck in a job I loath more everyday. In tow weeks I start my training for in-charge, but it is only a slight reprieve from it all. It doesn’t change the fact that work sucks. I need a change with every fabric of my being. God put me on this earth to write, and that’s what I want to do more than anything. Now, I’m realistic, too. I’m fully aware that my odds of solely making a living as a writer is slim at best, but I need a decent job that I like and doesn’t interfere so much in my writing. And yes, my current job does indeed interfere with writing.

Another thing that weighs heavy on my soul is that I don’t belong here. Not anymore. This isn’t my place anymore. With every passing day I feel it more and more. My place is with Amy. She is my home. Until I am in a place where I can be with her more, I’m not at home. I’m out of place, lost.

So where do I go from here? What do I do now? I need change; I crave it. Writing helps.

Amy suggested looking into a computer tech/computer repair career, and she’s right. I can totally see myself doing that. I’m gonna research perhaps getting a degree that’ll do just that. Who knows, maybe I’ll take some journalism classes, too. There’s also the thought of starting Left Hand Games as a real company, and that would be great, but I feel that is some more years off.

Right now I just assessing my options and seeing where I can go from here because I need to go somewhere. I’ve gotta open a door and see where it goes as soon as I find the right key…

GEEKUP:
Yesterday before everything hit me, I picked up Libris Mortis, the Book of the Undead, one of the latest D&D books to come out from Wizards of the Coast. I was pleasantly surprised. Players will find some useful stuff in here, but DMs will benefit the most from it. It’s good villain source material. If you DM a lot and you have a place in your game for undead, I highly recommend this book. It’s no Book of Vile Darkness, but it’s a decent companion for it. Also, the Villain Design Handbook from Kenzer and Co. is a nice supplemental book for DMs that I also recommend.

QUOTE:
“Life is short and hard like a bodybuilding elf.”
--the Bloodhound Gang

USELESS FACT:
Before caramel coloring is added to Coca-Cola, it’s green. And we drink it on purpose.

Rudy (1998-2004)

2004-10-12T04:32:03Z

10/11/04

I don’t like hitting animals with my car. It sucks. The other day I hit a squirrel. Apparently I just winged the little guy, though, because it was gone just a few minutes later. Other than a squirrel-sized concussion, the little guy got off lucky. A few weeks ago I hit a possum with a direct tire hit. It unfortunately went from bony to squishy.

Back last winter I hit a deer with my car one night coming back from work. I saw one deer to the left of me but noticed the other one too late. I did swerve some, however, which prevented me from nailing it dead center, thank goodness. Right before I hit it, time slowed just a little, and I saw the expression on its face. It looked like it was thinking “Oh dang…” Then the deer deered it last deerness, and my car got bashed up. Hitting a large animal with an automobile really sucks but not as much as being hit with said automobile.

When I was in college I almost hit a cow one time on the way back from home. It was around sunset one evening, and I was on a straight stretch of road going faster than I should’ve been when I saw the cow standing in my lane. I mashed the break down as hard as I could. I came within a foot of hitting it. That is the only time within recent memory that I almost peed myself. The cow didn’t move.

And now for a random change of subject. One day when I was still in college I was riding somewhere with Mark. It was some really gray and drizzly day in November, and we were heading back towards campus. Then we noticed there was a guy on the hood of the car in front of us, clinging tenaciously to the windshield wipers. This car was going at least 30 miles per hour. After a block or so, the car pulled off into a parking lot, and the guy got into the car like nothing happened.

That’s all I can think of to write about today. I’m tired and not feeling the best, so my brain refuses to work. I’m hoping to get off work early today so I can pick up more birthday presents for my mom before time to game. I don’t even have a game planned for today. We’re just gonna play some random card games for a while. It’s just such a gray day outside that I just want to curl up inside somewhere with a good book. But at least I’m off tomorrow and Wednesday. I’m taking Mom out to dinner Wednesday for her birthday. I wish I could see Amy this week, but our schedules conspired against us once again. But I get to see her on my birthday! I can’t wait. It’s been too long…

.......

*sigh* Where do I start? Today Rudy, my cat, died. Mom called me this evening while I was gaming and broke the news. She came home this afternoon and found him in his usual spot in the doorway to the bathroom dead. That’s where he’d sit while waiting for one of us to come home. His death was quite unexpected; he hadn’t been sick or anything. Mom said he slept a lot today and hadn’t eaten much in the past two days, but other than that, we had no reason to expect anything wrong. When Mom found him, she called my cousin Gail, and they buried him in the back yard of Mom’s new house. He would’ve liked it there.

We got Rudy from Brian’s ex-wife before they were married. Mom and Dad cat-sat Rudy for a while, and when Brian and Brook were taking him back to Bowling Green, they had a wreck. Rudy was lost in the woods for a week until he was found by a local farmer. We kept him ever since. Rudy was a real companion for Dad when he was fighting cancer. Dad went into a coma while petting Rudy. And Rudy knew that Dad was dying, too, and wanted to be by his side. We had to put Rudy in the garage for a while, and he jumped at the door until we let him back in so he could spend time with Dad, too.

After Dad died, Rudy decided that I should be the person to pet him. Whenever I was writing he was right there on the bed with me. Just last night, as I was writing, he curled up next to me. I put my arm around him as I wrote. The last I saw of Rudy was this morning when I was leaving for work. He got up to see me off, and I said bye as usual. It just wasn’t the same coming home and not having him greet me at the door.

GEEKUP:
No geekup. Too sad. But I do have a fond memory of Rudy. When I would sort my Magic: The Gathering cards he liked to walk on them and sit on them.

Giant dog attacks former roommate, gamers are unphased by events

2004-10-11T02:08:24Z

10/10/04

I feel that now I should take the opportunity to talk at some length about dreams. Last night I had two somewhat strange dreams that warrant some discussion. In the first dream, I was at a gaming store. This store was quite large, about the size of a small high school gym. I was there with the crew I went to GenCon with—Kaiju, Murphy, and Yevla. We were playing some sort of card game and were waiting for someone. About that time, Ace showed up. Paula couldn’t make it, so Ace brought a “stand-in” fiancée in her place. Amy showed p and talked to the stand-in fiancée until Paula arrived. Also, I was looking for some D&D book and couldn’t find it.

Now, let’s analyze this dream, shall we? Now, the gaming thing and meeting Ace and Paula can be explained by the fact that Ace and Paula were supposed to go to GenCon but couldn’t make it. The two recently got engaged, not to mention that I just got my GenCon pictures developed. The card game can be explained by the fact that I was discussing a card game with someone last night online. I can’t explain the stand-in fiancée. That was just weird.

My next dream is a bit harder to explain. I was walking with Mark, and we were walking to my old house. Near it is a lot overgrown with trees and weeds. He started to take a shortcut through this lot, and I stopped him, explaining that the owners of the property had two dogs patrolling it, and one of the dogs was crazy. He said it would be fine and proceeded to walk through the lot. Sure enough, the dogs showed up. The first dog was a normal looking mongrel hound. The second dog, however, was the size of a cow and had a large misshapen dog head. We booked it over to my former abode and ran into the garage, but the fallout mutant dog was undeterred. Then my brother showed up and tried to hit it with his car, but the dog was too big for this ploy to work. About that time I woke up.

H have little explanation for this dream other than watching Dawn of the Dead before going to bed. Those zombie movies will mess with your brain, man. Oh, and I talked to Mark the other day.

And now I’m tired beyond human comprehension, so now I am going to bed so I can drool on my pillow for eight hors or so.

GEEKUP:
Here’s the stats for a golden pony that spits molten platinum. Kaiju asked for one in my D&D game. I couldn’t pass up a dare like that.

BRAINGUYDIAN PONY
Medium Magical Beast
Hit Dice: 4d10 + 7 (31 hp)
Initiative: +1
Speed: 40 ft.
Armor Class: 22 (+1 Dex, +11 natural) touch 11, flat-footed 21
Base Attack/Grapple: +4/+5
Attack: Hoof +0 melee (1d3)
Full Attack: 2 hooves +0 melee (1d3), spit platinum +5 ranged 2d6 + 2d6 fire damage
Face/Reach: 5 ft./5 ft.
Special Attacks: Spit Platinum
Special Qualities: Darkvision 60 ft., Low-Light Vision, scent, gold mane
Saves: Fort +5, Ref +5, Will +0
Abilities: Str 13, Dex 13, Con 12, Int 6, Wis 11, Cha 4
Skills: Listen +6, Spot +6
Feats: Endurance, Toughness
Environment: Temperate plains
Organization: Solitary
Challenge Rating: 3
Advancement: --
Level Adjustment: --

A brainguydian pony looks like a normal pony except that its mane is made of gold. If the pony is killed, this mane is worth 300 gp. Brainguydian ponies like to bestow gifts to travelers by vomiting up molten platinum for them, often burning them in the process.

Combat
Brainguydian ponies avoid combat at all cost and run away if they can, but their ability to spit up molten platinum can be lethal. Lethal I tell you!

Spit Platinum: A brainguydian pony can spit up a globule of molten platinum as an attack action. This platinum globule deals 2d6 damage plus 2d6 fire damage, and the attack has a range of 10 feet. This globule weighs 5 pounds and is worth 1d4 x100 gp.

QUOTE:
“There are two types of people in this world: those who dig and those with guns. You, my friend, dig.”
--Clint Eastwood, The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

USELESS FACT:
There’s a city in Virginia named Fancy Gap. People live there. On purpose.

A big heaping bowl of crazy (it even stays crunchy in milk!)

2004-10-10T01:12:08Z

10/9/04

Sit down, make yourself comfortable. Perhaps grab a cup of tea, maybe a warm scone because I have a story to tell. A story about crazy. Kaiju and I got to talking this morning on the way to work (it keeps us both from falling asleep some days) about the Jonathan Taylor Thomas guy.

See, at work I was on the night shift for about five months. There’s a funny thing about a directory assistance job during the night shift, for most of your calls are from people who are drunk, high, or crazy (or, in most cases, a combination of the three). For instance, during the first week during my stint working nights, there was this one guy who would call and read off ten of fifteen names and telephone numbers, say “thank you,” and hang up. He never wanted anything other than to read off his list to someone. But that can’t compare to the Jonathan Taylor Thomas guy.

This man was not only alcoholic, but he was also quite delusional. And very chatty. Before he stopped calling, he would call 80-100 times a night. I suspect he stopped calling when he got his phone bill, which had to have been upwards of 6000 dollars. I bet they had to ship that bill in a box…

But I digress. This man started his frenzied slew of calls when he wanted the telephone number of Jonathan Taylor Thomas really bad. He didn't know where Jonathan Taylor Thomas lived, but that didn’t deter him. At the height of his Jonathan Taylor Thomas calls, he would call about 30-40 times a night. And now I want to take the opportunity to apologize to everyone in the U.S. named Jonathan Thomas for giving this gibbering nutjob your number so that he could call you and say God knows what at four o’clock in the morning. And Jonathan Taylor Thomas, If you’re out there somewhere, and this guy, by some odd string of coincidences, actually got your number, I am very sorry.

Now, this guy was really creepy, as you can probably guess. Even tough Jonathan Taylor Thomas is about the same age as my brother, he really hasn’t done anything since he was about sixteen. I shudder to think what this guy would’ve actually said to him, had he been given the chance. Mankind is not meant to know such things. That’s the kind of brain trauma akin to seeing your grandmother naked. Oh, but no, it gets better. See, this guy was a real talker, and sometimes he shared way to much. On one particular call he mentioned that he had a birthday present for Jonathan Taylor Thomas (even though he didn’t know when JTT’s birthday was). “Guess what I got him,” the crazy guy told me.

Now, I was in a bit of a spot. This silly bastard had me hook, line, and sinker like a doomed small-mouth bass destined to be mounted on some redneck’s wall. And the knowing silence, the foretelling pause told me that he was dying to tell me. I didn’t want to know. I really didn’t, but my mind reeled with countless unimaginable horrors this man could’ve chosen to mail to Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Was it a dead kitten? Erotic polaroids? A severed human head? “Uh, what?” I finally asked. And I bet you want to know, too, don’t you? C’mon, admit it. Deep down inside past all that abject horror, you’re filled with curiosity as to what this mentally unbalanced gentleman bought Jonathan Taylor Thomas, aren’t you? Well, prepare yourself because I’m going to tell you. He bought him a… pocket knife. Yes, a pocket knife. With Jonathan Taylor Thomas’ name engraved on the blade. You know this guy still has this knife, that he cradles it lovingly like a small pet when he passes out on his bathroom floor, surrounded by empty cans of Falls City beer and old issues of Tiger Beat.

After a while, this guy got more chatty and eventually didn’t call much for Jonathan Taylor Thomas, but he did get more insane. And for whatever reason he really liked talking to me. Oh, don’t get me wrong, he liked talking to the other operators, too, but he shared too much with me. Too much! He told me things about himself that I wish I could get surgically removed from my brain. I’ll spare you all of the details, but I’ll also share some with you because you know you want to find out. You know you do! It’s like watching an African bus wreck. You want to turn away, but there’s so much carnage that you just have to watch.

This guy (we’ll call him the “JTT Guy”) told me one time that when he was a child, he was in a documentary about coal mines. He told me you could tell who he was in it because he had a lawn dart in his back pocket. That’s the lawn dart he stole from his friend, who was retarded (that’s his own words), and he felt real bad about stealing that lawn dart from his retarded friend, but his friend could cook a really great steak. He claimed his friend died by jumping off a bridge after watching a Superman cartoon. The JTT Guy also claimed to be in every branch of the armed forces. He also confided in me one night that he liked buying mopeds for the neighbor kids…

This guy liked calling the train company, too, because he thought they went too fast. “That there kid was going 90 miles and hour, that ain’t no lie,” he would tell me. I could imagine some hapless train engineer sitting in an office somewhere, thinking “Oh man, that phone’s ringing again. It’s gotta be that crazy guy again… But what if it’s my supervisor? Dang, I guess I should answer it.” Then he’d answer the phone only to hear “That there train’s gonna kill somebody! It’s just flying down the track! That ain’t no lie!” He said “that ain’t no lie” a lot. It was a lie! A vicious lie designed to wick away my sanity like a cotton panel viciously absorbing water.

And for a while he wanted me to find him a job. He didn’t care what job, he just wanted any job in general. If I had the power to bestow jobs upon people, believe me, I’d be somewhere else right now. He really wanted to drive a coal truck for a while for some reason. He also decided that he should work for the train company so that he could slow the train down…

This man is full on crazy, ladies and gentlemen. Kaiju and I are both in agreement that the JTT Guy needs serious professional help that yammering endlessly into a cell phone couldn’t solve. Hopefully he is in a nice institution someplace where he can babble softly at orderlies because, all kidding aside, this is a person who needs and deserves some sort of help.

GEEKUP:
On the way home from work, Kaiju came up with an IOUN COMB! We’ve been throwing around ideas for pseudo-magic items in my D&D game (it’s very high magic, so it made sense). This comb costs 150 gold pieces and floats about its user’s head just like an ioun stone. When the user of the ioun comb claps, the comb starts grooming that person until he or she claps again, thus deactivating it.

QUOTE:
“I bet your lymph nodes are as big as cats!”
--Captain Murphy, Sealab 2021

USELESS FACT:
Dogs can’t look up. At least that’s what Big Al says.

Summon the invisible psionic frogs that feed off hate!!!

2004-10-10T01:09:00Z

10/8/04

Yesterday Mom and I went to Tell City and tried out a new Chinese restaurant. It wasn’t too spectacular to say the least. I did, however, try frog legs for the first time. They were… Different… I don’t think I would eat them much on purpose. No, they don’t taste like chicken. They taste like an amphibian, which is an acquired taste. Not to mention they look kind of disturbing.

When I was really young, Mom used to fry up frog legs from time to time. She would occasionally go frog gigging with Dad. See, when you go frog gigging, you take a small trident (no joke) and spear frogs with it, usually at night. When you spear a frog, it usually screams, which is a pretty strange sound. After spearing the hapless frog, you cut off its legs and THROW IT BACK!!! So not only has the frog been impaled, but it also becomes a double amputee.

But the thing about frog gigging is that the frogs are really hard to spear. Their tough little hides are pretty resistant to puncturing. It’s kind of like trying to impale a small flipping leather ouch that can swim moderately well. With a small trident.

Now, I’m not condoning frog gigging. I don’t belong to an anti-gigging league, either. I’m just saying that frogs are not something I would readily eat of my own free will.

Today at work I got this one call, and on the recording the woman, who was obviously talking to someone in the background, said “If you’re not injecting, then I’m not into it.” Maybe it’s just me, but I personally wouldn’t talk about heavy drug use while, say, calling directory assistance. When I was still working night shifts, there was one guy who, while talking to his buddies, on the recording said, “We can call the sheriff. We don’t have drugs now.” Yeah, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re really high. And stupid.

GEEK UP:
The stats for a frog gig (yeah, the little trident) in D&D is that it does 1d4 damage. For everything else, count it as a spear.

QUOTES:
“People are stupid like poop stinks.”
--Kaiju, in a work-inspired comic

“Licentious money suckers!”
--Mark, the Lemur King, speaking about Lexington police using taxpayer dollars to cruise around in their patrol cars too much while off duty

USELESS FACT OF THE DAY:
To ward off unprovoked tiger attacks, wear a mask on the back of your head. Tigers only attack prey from behind. The mask makes the tiger think that you have two “fronts,” thus making you unattackable.

The top 10 historical relics found while sifting through random drawer leavings:

2004-10-08T02:44:28Z

The top 10 historical relics found while sifting through random drawer leavings:

10. William Shakespeare's toenail clipper.
9. Herman Melleville's moustache.
8. The jawbone of an Algonquin shaman.
7. All of Jimmy Carter's missing left socks.
6. A small tri-cornered hat believed to have belonged to General Lafayette's German sheepherd.
5. 14 mummified Egymptian cats.
4. A page from the first draft of the Declaration of Independece calling for war against Paraguay.
3. Rasputin's pinky ring.
2. A small leather bag containing Hilter's left testicle.
1. Jimmy Hoffa.

Yeah, this is my first post, and I'm tired, so now I'm going to bed. Because sleep is my favorite food!